Hi all. Its been a while since I talked about what is going on in my life, so I thought I would just sit down and write about it.
Starting the second semester of my senior year, some things have become wildly apparent.
- I’m growing up at an alarming rate, and theres nothing I can do to stop that.
In the past, I always talked to my friends about how ready I was to leave my town, to grow up, and to become someone else. I wanted, or rather needed, to leave for college. Don’t get me wrong, I’m unbelievably excited to start a new chapter of my life, but I never expected to be this scared. Sure, I’m about as prepared for the future as I can be, but there are always going to be things beyond my control that I can’t prepare for, and thats frightening. I think that a lot of us feel this way when we start something new. How much of the past do we take with us, and who are we without the people we’ve always known? Am I a product of my environment or is my environment a part of me?
2. College is a really weird social experiment.
No, seriously. The american college experience sounds like a pitch for a really dumb reality TV show. “Yep so we’re going to take a bunch of teens who’ve NEVER made a real choice in their life, make them live together with a bunch of people they’ve never met, give them access to all the parties they could dream of, and then see if some of them become even marginally successful. Also they’re going to have to pay for all of it.”
Who on EARTH thought that was a logical idea. I’ve hardly had a chance to pick elective classes at this point in my life, let alone decide what I’m going to do with the rest of it.
3. A LOT of things are out of my control.
This is pretty quintessential to the teen experience, however it didn’t hit me just how little control over my life I have until now. I’ve been coping with chronic migraines since middle school, but as of recent they’ve gotten pretty awful. Its hard to find a week where I’m not missing a day of school, and for someone who likes to be as on top of their life as I do, it can be pretty frustrating. Especially when its your senior year and the last thing you want is to see your grades slip for reasons out of your control. I find myself feeling guilty for things I have no responsibility over, and it is not the happy and healthy mindset I try to have.
4. I’m growing out of things that I thought would be a part of me forever.
Sure this applies to friends, but in a way, I knew that was coming. Instead, I mean my love of theatre. I still love musicals, I’ve been doing them for ten years, but I realized recently that the pro’s of performing in shows no longer out weigh the cons. I found myself complaining more and more about directors and parts until the point I had to ask myself, why am I doing this? For fun? For friends? For tradition? I spent so much of my life with theatre as a defining part of my identity that I’ve had to answer the question of who I am without it.
I quit doing my spring musical this year, partially because of my health, and partially because it just was not making me happy in any way anymore. I found myself making excuses for my unhappiness but at the end of the day I had to accept that something that had been such a source of joy now only made bitterness and resentment. I still love listening to shows, but now I am perfectly content to let others do them while I focus on things like vocal performance and my non-profit.
5. I really like running things.
I don’t mean actual running, I’m still working on getting myself to like that, but I do mean running organizations and groups. Last year I started my group, Cabaret for a Cause, that uses benefit concerts to promote HIV/AIDS awareness, and I became an officer in several clubs. Perhaps it is the (somewhat false) sense that being in charge gives you the ability to create change, or perhaps I’m just bossy, but I never feel a greater sense of purpose than when I’m setting and achieving lofty goals for these groups. I love feeling like we’re creating an impact and like I had something to do with it.
I don’t know a lot about where my life is going to go from here, but I know that the challenges I’m experiencing are only going to get more drastic, and all I can do is take things as they come. So, here’s to hoping for the best.
Thanks for checking in,